Reader Advice Roundup: Why Not Tell That Woman To Tell Her Husband What She'd Already Told Him?

Savage Love Letter of the Day: Reader Advice Roundup by Dan Savage
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Recent Savage Love Letters of the Day: She wants monogamy and he doesn't—are they doomed? Blowing up your balls with saline—why would anyone do that? Her new boyfriend removed the condom without her consent—can that be forgiven? They've been texting and sexting for years—how come he passed on a sleepover? And, as ever, this week's Savage Love and Savage Lovecast.

First up, a reader has something to share with SOS, a woman whose new boyfriend violated her...

I have got something to say. Long story short, I was in a live-in, monogamous straight, vanilla relationship for a few years when I got the itch to experiment with anal play. Over several weeks and conversation there was so much miscommunication between us that I thought it had been taken off the table and instead we refocused our energy on my upcoming graduation from trade school and an impending move. Time passed, things were OK, life was vanilla. While I should have taken hints over the lack of reasoning—I wanted him to educate himself on the basics of anal play so we could talk on equal terms and he claimed that there was "no information available" on the web (!) in 2014 (!!!)—we relocated together and one night... one fucking night... I feel this horrible pain in my asshole and run to the bathroom to cry. My boyfriend of five years thought that he would "spice things up" by anally penetrating me mid-coitus with his penis and had—without my knowledge—grabbed a toy to simultaneously penetrate me with vaginally. Did I use the word "rape" while trying to tearfully explain the pain and violation I felt? Probably not. Probably tried not to hurt his feelings too hard since I'd just moved this P.O.S across the country to seek my first job in skilled labor while he mooched off me. But how do I think of it now, four years later? That mother fucker tried to anally rape me after five years together. And it was not OK. I spend a lot of time wishing I'd DTMFA'd him on the spot. Thank goodness I now have a partner who almost feels my pain, as attentive as he is to my body. My body isn't me, nor is it just an extension, but he respects the whole package in a way that I don't think he is able to derive pleasure in a situation where he senses that I am beyond immediate comfort. In a good way. And I think that all women, all people, deserve that. And in the very basics, dear SOS you need someone to respects your body and your boundaries!

Regarding my advice for ITROW...

Long time reader first time writer. Love your work, even when your cranky. But I was very surprised your answer to 'She wants monogamy, he doesn't" wasn't shorter. This woman is deluded and spiraling because she's mourning the loss of a "perfect" boyfriend. I get you were being sympathetic and nice but cut to the chase. "We felt great pleasure and contentment in our sex life," she says. She did, he obviously didn't. This woman doesn't need to journal or read to get back with this man she needs to get over it and move on.

And...

“...if you miss your ex and agreeing to give openness a chance is the only way to be with him, then you might wanna give openness a chance.” Pffft. At which point she’ll hate herself for being so unable to stand up for what she really wants and he’ll start thinking he can manipulate her into all kinds of shit she doesn’t want to do. No. It’s over. DTMFA.

That's probably what I would have told ITROW a couple of decades ago... but I've met too many happily monogamish/open/poly couples over the years whose entree to non-monogamy involved an ultimatum and one partner agreeing to open the relationship under duress and then later warming to and then enthusiastically embracing openness. My sample is most likely skewed, I realize (and I'm always quick to concede), but I couldn't rule the possibility that getting back together and giving openness a try might work for ITROW because I've seen it work for others. And someone clearly communicating what they want in a romantic partnership ≠ manipulation. It's a negotiation. If he'd waited until they were married and had small children to tell her what he knew about himself six months into the relationship that would be manipulative.

One more about ITROW...

ITROW? This acronym appears in every paragraph of your piece on monogamy I just read. I spent a minute or two trying to guess what it meant. I'm sure I don't quite understand the article because I don't understand it. Yeah, yeah, I'm a loser who isn't with the times, that much has been made clear. But if you want your writing to be accessible—even to chumps like me—you oughta either give us a parenthetical spelling out of obscure (or even common) acronyms, or just use your words. I did enjoy the piece and your advice, however.

Welcome, new reader! The women who sent me that question about monogamy signed her letter with “Is This Regret Or Wisdom” and in my response I shortened her sign off to “ITROW." So when you saw ITROW in that response, it wasn't some obscure reference. It was just me directly addressing the LW. (LW = letter writer.) I started shortening LW's sign-offs years ago because it helped get my columns down to their word count. (Word count doesn't matter online, of course, but it matters very much in print and old habits—like old advice columnists—die hard.) Readers quickly noticed and began coming up with sign-offs for themselves that created cute and/or on-point acronyms. Not all do, not all have to, sometimes I do it for them. Read a few more letters and columns and you’ll notice that I always shorten people's sign-offs. I try to avoid jargon and when I use an initialism in reference to a concept or an organization, the entire phrase or org name appears first with the initialism first appearing in parenthesis immediately afterwards. There's an example of both in my response to "Want The Hard Truth" in this week's column: "We shouldn't be picking out wallpaper in our early twenties, WTHT, much less life partners. And second, basic sexual compatibility (BSC) is crucial to the success of sexually exclusive relationships and it's a bad idea to scramble your DNA together with someone else's before BSC has been established." (I trust you, being no chump, are already familiar with DNA!)

So about that particular call on this week's Savage Lovecast...

New Savage Lovecast: A woman is tormented that her partner of 7 years has not learned how to pee without spraying the area.

Listen: https://t.co/QsvboohN1N @fakedansavage #SavageLovecast pic.twitter.com/zVC7SsRz7p
— The Stranger 🗞 (@TheStranger) July 30, 2019

The good people of Twitter had a whole lot to say about the advice I gave the woman whose inconsiderate husband has—and has always had—such terrible aim...

I’m a little surprised Dan that you failed to suggest that this capable, adult pee-er clean up after himself. Grab a mop, some baby wipes, whatever, my dude, your family deserve better than a public urinal. #savagelovecast @fakedansavage
— Larissa Andrusyshyn (@highwiregirl) August 1, 2019

@fakedansavage Re: the guy who keeps missing in the bathroom...pee jar? Really?

No, if dude misses, dude needs to clean up his mess. Get some wipes, some spray, and get to tidying up.

A pee jar??? No sir. Just no.
— Dr. AdoptiveBlackMom (@adoptiveblkmom) July 31, 2019

Of all the things I've heard on this show, THIS is the one that finally grosses me out to the point I have to say something! She had a child with the man and now she is having to potty train both the kid and the father? WTF!?!?!?
— Erika haynes (@HaynesErika) July 30, 2019

Re: episode 666 of #savagelovecast the pee-er... The simplest of solutions is clear: CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELF! Pee on the seat? Clean it, pee on the floor, clean it. Really, that simple @fakedansavage
— Vima Manfredo (@Vmm312) August 1, 2019

For the record and in my defense: for seven years the caller tried, "Don't piss all over the damn floor!", and, "Clean up after your damn self!", and, "SIT THE FUCK DOWN WHEN YOU PEE", and none of that worked. My suggestion—get him one of these so he can stand and pee without pissing all over the floor—was less "totally reasonable starting point" and way more "desperate times call for desperate measures."

And while we're getting things on the record: that man shouldn't be peeing on the toilet seat or the floor... and neither should the woman who used the toilet right before me on my flight to Seattle yesterday. Her hover-and-go method somehow managed to get pee all over the seat, floor, and walls... and I cleaned it up so the next person to use the toilet wouldn't think I'd done it. ARGH. Moving on...

Regarding NDWM...

I enjoyed the short article and it brought a lot of questions to mind. I wondered if you have explored the polyamory “trend” and the asexuality spectrum and relationship health, specifically demisexuality, which may be where this woman is coming from. And what is the difference (how does one tell) between this woman’s ex-boyfriend’s behavior and sexual addiction or just immaturity and lack of being able to commit and sustain a nurturing longterm relationship?

Hmm... exploring polyamory. That's definitely a topic I might wanna get around to eventually perhaps thinking about possibly looking into and maybe even potentially addressing at some point in the future if you think my readers would be interested in the subject. And while I have yet to address the polyamory trend, I have hunch that not all people who want (or have) open and/or poly relationships are bad at commitment and not all people who want (or have) monogamous relationships are good at commitment.

Okay, we're going to leave it there! I hope everyone has a great weekend and we'll see you Monday!

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A post shared by Dario Natarelli (@dario_natarelli) on Jul 29, 2019 at 4:04pm PDT

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